The loss of desire is one of the biggest challenges that romantic partners have to face in long-term relationships. No matter if they are staying together or apart, sometimes, things fall into a routine, and they stop experiencing the spark that they once did.
According to Jeff, the number one thing that kills desire in long-term relationships is not any of the usual culprits. It is not stress, or boredom, or just growing old and falling out of love. Rather, it is something that he calls “emotional fusion.”
Explaining what that is, the therapist stated, “It's when two people become emotionally entangled, so merged, so ‘we do everything together,’ that they slowly lose their individuality. And guess what? Desire does not thrive in sameness. It needs space. It needs otherness. It needs a little mystery.”
Jeff pointed out that people often want both security and excitement from the same person. And that tension is what makes desire feel alive.
“It's the same feeling you get when you first start dating. But if you're always in the same routine, same dynamic, same emotional wavelength, desire just sort of starts to fade,” he noted. “Not because anything is wrong. You could be in a deeply secure relationship. It's just that there's not enough distance to ignite the spark.”
The good news is that the spark can be reintroduced in a relationship. According to Jeff, the way to do that is to reintroduce separateness.
“You let yourselves be two whole humans with each other, not extensions of each other,” he explained. “You follow your own curiosities. You do things apart, not just together. You remember that watching your partner shine without you is sometimes what makes you want to (get intimate) later.”
“You flirt again. You tease. You create space so that wanting and that yearning can return,” continued Jeff. “And quick disclaimer, this does not mean becoming distant or detached. It means holding on to your own identity because that's what keeps you interesting, hot, and desire-worthy in the long run.”
Long-term love isn't the death of desire, but emotional fusion might actually be, cautioned the therapist. “So, if you want more spark, give each other just enough space to miss each other.”
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.
This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.
Jeff Guenther is a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, Oregon. He has a master's degree in marriage and family therapy from the University of Southern California and a bachelor's degree in child and family development from San Diego State University.
Debapriya Bhattacharya is a Content Producer at Hindustan Times. He started his career in 2022, working in newsrooms in beats like education, US news, trending stories, and entertainment. In his new role in the lifestyle desk, he seeks to deliver a balanced blend of research-driven reporting and creative storytelling from health and recipes to art and culture. Science, philosophy, food and pop culture are what pump his veins and help bring heart to his stories. Debapriya tries to see out subjects that will allow him and readers to explore new frontiers and improve the quality of life for all. The explorations can be both external and internal, as thoughts seek to be as chaotic as the greater universe. As a citizen of the world, Debapriya has been fascinated by the lives of people across the globe throughout time. His curiosity leads him to explore new linguistic and cultural landscapes to broaden his horizons and deepen his understanding of global narratives. Beyond the newsroom, Debapriya loves to participate in debate and theatre, spaces that he considers to be holy grounds for nuance and self-expression. A graduate from Ashutosh College, University of Calcutta, Debapriya completed his Master's degree from the same university in 2022. An ambiverted bibliophile, he loves his solitude as much as he adores stimulating conversations. And despite his reverence for tech, libraries continue to be his favourite place for research.Read More
